tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7410040519388605762024-03-08T09:05:32.861-08:00Letters To Lilly Beanmy beautiful daughter, Lillian Joy passed away November 13,2009. These are letters written to her...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-57184941355509432172011-05-29T05:05:00.000-07:002011-05-29T05:05:01.939-07:00it's been a while...Dear Lilly Bean,<br />
It's been a long time...huh? Sometimes, actually...most times... I just don't know what to say. I'm at a loss for what I should be saying, what I should be doing...how I should be acting in all that's going on in our lives.<br />
In just a few short weeks, your baby brother's and baby sister should be here with us. It's hard to believe that you've been gone long enough for me & daddy to figh infertility, to become pregnant, and to bring three more little lives into this world.<br />
They will know about you, Lilly. I'll talk about you all the time...they will know the story. And they will be aware of the footprints you left on all of our hearts.<br />
And you know... no matter what people say, these triplets are not replacement babies. Our hearts still ache for you, little girl. You'll never be replaced...you'll never be forgotten. You'll always be in my heart, and on my mind. How could we ever forget the little girl that made such big changes in our lives?<br />
I miss you, Baby. More than I ever thought possible...<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-81261973641869486852011-02-19T15:08:00.000-08:002011-02-19T15:08:50.136-08:0015 monthsDearest Lilly Bean...<br />
It's hard to write these days. Hard to know what to say...it's hard to know what to do. How can I be so incredibly happy when I feel so completely empty without you in our lives?<br />
We miss you with every fiber of our being. There isn't a day that we don't speak of you. That I don't see your beautiful pictures all over the house and thank God for the time that He gave me with you.<br />
I can't believe that you've been gone for 15 months... and then in the next breath, it seems like you've been gone for years. November 13th,2009 seems so far away.<br />
Someone asked about you yesterday - and it caught me off guard. What am I supposed to say when people ask if your brothers and/or sisters in my tummy are my only children. I had a guy say, well... you already have one at home...right? Well... not the home that you would normally think of. *sigh* I had to tell him that you, our precious daughter, passed away over a year ago, in November of 2009.<br />
I have mixed feelings of how I should feel with posed with this question. I hate to spring the whole "my child passed away" thing on people, but then I feel flat our guilty if I don't mention you. So... I have decided I'd rather make people uncomfortable for a brief moment... and hope that I have the chance to tell your story.<br />
I love you little girl...you're amazing.<br />
<br />
All my heart,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-55215401974461921172011-01-28T06:33:00.000-08:002011-01-28T06:33:27.031-08:00Dear Little LillyBean,<br />
I'm sorry that it's been so long since Mommy has written you. Please know that I love you with all of my heart, and that there isn't a day that goes by that you are not on my mind...and in my heart. You will forever be a part of me.<br />
Lilly...you're going to be a big sister...times three. I can't believe it, Mommy and Daddy are having triplets! God has truely blessed our family, Baby Girl. The only thing that would make it better is if you were here to share this life with us.<br />
We miss you so much, Lillian Joy. And we love you even more.<br />
<br />
-MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-8010929541563433772011-01-17T11:02:00.000-08:002011-01-17T11:02:23.590-08:00Dear Lilly,<br />
Another thirteenth has come and gone, and my heart continues to ache for you. It's been a weird last couple of weeks, and with every passing day... life proves to be even more "weird".<br />
I wish that I could say more...but that's all I can say right now. : ) I love you little girl, with all of my heart.<br />
<br />
-MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-45760730041533563702011-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:002011-01-01T00:00:14.517-08:0001.01.11Dear Lilly Bean,<br />
Today marks the new year. The year 2011. I can't believe how time has flown since you were born. And then again, I can't believe how much it has drug along.<br />
I have so many mixed emotions about this new year. Sad, because the more days that separate me and the day you were born....tears my heart out all over again. But excited to see what the Lord may have in store for our little family this year. I know that He has big plans for Daddy & me. I just wish with everything that is within me that you were still a part of "it".<br />
Don't get me wrong...you'll always be a part of me. No matter what. I'll carry you in my heart forever. It's just...different not having you here with me.<br />
I love you Lilly...forever, and for always. That's one of the few things that are sure in my life.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-53351619280204924052010-12-25T05:00:00.000-08:002010-12-25T05:00:09.379-08:00Christmas #2 Without you.Dear Lilly Bean,<br />
Today marks the second Christmas that I have spent without you. This is the second Christmas that my heart is ripped from my chest every time I think about how I should be watching you tear into gifts... I was supposed to be watching your eyes light up with joy as you opened your new toys.<br />
It was supposed to be a happy Christmas. It was supposed to be a family Christmas. This Christmas though, is a little different than last year. Last year, my pain was fresh. I ached with every fiber of my being. And as much as I still hurt - I feel that I can make it through a whole lot easier this year. <br />
I have many mixed emotions about this day. About everything, actually. I love you little girl, and miss you so much...especially today.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-53388638781987915482010-12-21T09:17:00.001-08:002010-12-21T09:17:25.456-08:00.Dear Little Bean,<br />
Christmas is coming fast...and I am missing you more with every passing moment. I can't wait to see you again...<br />
<br />
Until Then,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-91777489408479070032010-12-15T09:54:00.000-08:002010-12-15T09:54:39.500-08:00oh how I miss you.Dear Baby Girl...<br />
Oh how I miss you with every passing day. My heart breaks every morning that I wake up and have to realize all over again that this isn't a horrible nightmare, that it is my reality.<br />
I constantly think about you...talk about you. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently. How things could have gone... how things <em>should</em> have gone.<br />
I'm sure you'd be walking by now...and I know that you would be Daddy's little angel. And Mommy's little helper.<br />
I'd be getting all of your Christmas gifts wrapped and under the tree...even though you wouldn't understand what they were for. We would have already had pictures take...all ready and wrapped up for your Gigi & Poppy....and for Gammy too!<br />
There are so many times that I think...what if? I know that this was the Lord's will... but baby girl, I miss you so much. I ache inside. I'm lonely...and I'm empty.<br />
<br />
I love you Sweet Lilly.<br />
<br />
-MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-65491933027822497512010-11-29T09:11:00.000-08:002010-11-29T09:11:00.708-08:00pain.Dear Little Bean,<br />
So Daddy and I made it through another Thanksgiving without you. It was tough, but so is every day. I couldn't help but think how different things would have been this holiday season, if you were here with us.<br />
We miss you so much...and love you even more.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Mommy (for Daddy too!)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-80586621096617421902010-11-24T11:52:00.000-08:002010-11-24T11:52:48.410-08:00thankful.Dearest Lilly Bean,<br />
Tomorrow marks my second Thanksgiving without you. I think that the holidays "get" me more than any other.<br />
Everyone has their families & children to celebrate with. I mean, I have my family...and your Daddy. But it's just not the same without you.<br />
I want to go to bed tonight and wake up on Saturday. I would love if I could just skip Thanksgiving all together, and Christmas for that matter!!<br />
I miss you so much, and I can't stand the thought of going through the holidays (again) without you in my arms.But as Thanksgiving approaches, I want you to know that I am forever thankful that God allowed me almost ten perfect months with you. That He saw fit to allow me to carry you inside me... to love you. I am so thankful that YOU are my daughter.<br />
You are so loved little girl...you will never know how much.<br />
<br />
Forever,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-73002389905425477232010-11-22T12:23:00.001-08:002010-11-22T12:23:55.039-08:00missing u.Dear Baby Girl,<br />
Just wanted to say I love you.<br />
<br />
Forever & a day,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-23777982245073027402010-11-13T05:00:00.000-08:002010-11-13T05:00:05.045-08:0011.13.2010Dear Lilly Bean,<br />
Exactly one year ago, Daddy and I said hello and goodbye...all in one breath. In my opinion, this pain that we endure daily is a pain that no parent should ever have to feel.<br />
This last year has been filled with heartbreak,tears,confusion,pain,jealousy... and then finally, acceptance,love, laughter... and hope.<br />
I keep playing the events of that cool November day over and <em>over </em>in my head. Oh how I would give anything in this world to go back to those last few days and do everything differently. Demand a ultrasound... demand that I be induced earlier. But would it have changed the outcome? I really don't think it would have.<br />
I believe that God allowed you to pass gently, without pain or suffering - and I believe that for what ever reason, that even if you were born alive...that we would have endured unimaginable pain.<br />
There is a reason for everything...I truly do believe that. I only wish that I understood the reason for you being taken from me. The reason for you dying. But here we are, a year later...and nothing. No reasons... confusion and pain still remain, even after all this time.<br />
Daddy and I are thinking of you sweet girl...dreaming of the day that we will be together. We love you, with everything within us. You will forever be a part of us...and we will always carry you in our hearts.<br />
Happy birthday baby girl...Heavenly Birthday, that is. <br />
<br />
I love you...I miss you...<br />
<br />
<br />
Love, <br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-82133584576518209592010-11-03T07:14:00.000-07:002010-11-03T07:14:52.394-07:00surgery.Dear Lilly,<br />
Well... I made it through surgery okay. :) I was terrified...but God got me through - and for that I am so very thankful.<br />
You were on my mind all day yesterday...especially in the OR. I couldn't help but think of you the whole time. Couldn't help but think about how the last time I was in the hospital - the very same hospital - that it was with you. The last time I checked myself in, I was looking forward to meeting you. And the last time I was taken to the OR, I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to you. Funny how when I was 4 days past my due date I WALKED to the OR, but this time I was wheeled in.<br />
I had to write to you today - because of something kind of cool that happened to me yesterday. You'd better believe I was talking about you. I told my nurse about you when she asked about my c-section. I told her what happened, to the best of our knowledge. She saw my tattoo while putting socks on my feet... and said that it was beautiful. I told her it was in honor of you. :) She said that you have a beautiful name...I think so too!<br />
But that's not the cool thing. When they wheeled me into the OR, they introduced me to my OR nurse...Lily. At first I wanted to cry... but then I couldn't help but think about how cool it was. The last time I was in the OR you were with me, and this time (when I was so scared of being alone) there was a Lily with me too.<br />
I love you little girl...I think of you all the time, and I miss you always.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-48067747824239514212010-10-25T13:33:00.000-07:002010-10-25T13:33:04.235-07:00soon.Dear Lilly,<br />
Your birthday is soon...and with every passing moment, I dread it even more. And on top of all the other feelings that have taken over...I feel guilt. Guilt because we won't be here on your birthday. I won't be able to visit the cemetary on your birthday. Daddy and I thought it would be best if we go out of town.<br />
We're going to the beach for 5 days. I think it will be good. I <em>hope </em>it will be good. But I still feel guilty. Guilty that I won't be here...that I won't be coming to "see" you.<br />
Don't think for a second that we won't be thinking about you, sweet girl. Even now, almost a year later... we miss you with ever fiber of our being.<br />
You were and still are our world. We love you, forever.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Mommy & DaddyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-14261109650413736692010-10-19T07:35:00.001-07:002010-10-19T07:35:51.740-07:00miss you.Dear Lilly,<br />
I can't help but think that things would be so much easier if you were here.<br />
<br />
I miss & love you,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-1355578989782518212010-10-15T13:47:00.000-07:002010-10-15T13:47:54.836-07:00Oct.15Dear Lilly,<br />
Today is pregnancy & infant loss awareness day. I hate that you and I (and Daddy) are part of that number. I hate being a member of the babyloss community. And I hate that you are now a 1 in 4 statistic.<br />
I'm honoring you today. Remembering your short 9 month long life here on earth, in my tummy. I remember you every day girl, but today especially.<br />
There is so little to hold on to... but I'm holding tight to what I've got left.<br />
<br />
I love you...all my heart.<br />
<br />
Always,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-43305332954450923732010-10-13T07:04:00.000-07:002010-10-13T07:04:00.263-07:00eleven.Dear Lillian...<br />
Today marks the eleven month mark. You've been gone for eleven months. As I type these words, it still doesn't feel real.<br />
I miss you with every fiber of my being. I would do <em>anything</em> to have you back in my arms today. <em>Anything.</em><br />
My love for you grows with every passing moment. As does my pain. I thought it'd get easier, Baby. But it hasn't...and I don't think it will.<br />
You'll always be missed...you'll always be remembered...and you will always <strong><em>always</em></strong> be loved.<br />
<br />
Forever,<br />
Mommy<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-39281794840980002062010-10-06T08:33:00.000-07:002010-10-06T08:33:44.583-07:00close.Dear Lilly,<br />
Soon it will be 11 months since you've been gone. Your birthday approaches with every passing moment, and it breaks my heart. <br />
I keep praying that I'll be able to keep it together. That I won't fall apart. But I'm sure that I will. How can I possibly be strong?<br />
I love you little girl. All my heart.<br />
<br />
Forever,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-82499878082737398612010-10-02T10:35:00.001-07:002010-10-02T10:35:40.766-07:00*love you*Dear Lilly,<br />
I love you.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-54659864723749373792010-09-24T11:37:00.000-07:002010-09-24T11:37:57.151-07:00daddy.Dear Lilly,<br />
I just wanted to take a second and tell you that Daddy misses you. He's been talking about you a lot lately. You're on our mind all the time little girl...and more importantly, in our hearts.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-26903073508137921802010-09-22T13:00:00.000-07:002010-09-22T13:00:32.901-07:00i remember.Dear Lilly Bean...<br />
It's officially fall. This is normally a time of year that I love. Cool weather. Jeans, sweater & boot weather. Time for a lot of my favorite things...and times. Thanksgiving with family... Christmas with family.<br />
The only thing that's going to be missing this year is you. Same as last year.<br />
As the cool weather comes and the holidays approach... I get more and more down in the dumps. I don't look forward to it. Actually, I'm dreading it.<br />
Along with Autumn comes a lot of feelings that I'd rather keep buried. With September being here... I am remembering the showers that were given to me. With October, I think of having to be put on bed rest. I remember a million card games, tv watching, movies...Taco Bell, Chinese food, diet cherry cokes & good times with Daddy. I also remember laying on the couch for a good 18 hours a day - watching and feeling you wiggle around in my belly. I remember doctors appointments...and wishing with every one that you would come soon.<br />
And with November...comes the most pain. I remember it like it was yesterday - and it's hard to accept that it was almost a year ago. I remember on November 9th, your due day, I talked to your Aunt Aleisha on the phone for the first time in over a year. I remember taking a picture of my 40 week belly - in front of the door that leads to your room. I remember facebook status posts about how we were 40 weeks, but still no baby.<br />
On November 12th, I had my last doctors appointment before you were born. Dilated *maybe* two centimeters. Induction was still on for the next day. Dr G would come to the hospital that morning and check me...give me some meds. He'd come back around lunch and break my water. We were so excited.<br />
And then life as we know it was turned completely upside down. Forever.<br />
<br />
We miss you little girl - more than you could ever know.<br />
<br />
I love you,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-26599888583063087402010-09-18T21:38:00.000-07:002010-09-18T21:38:42.781-07:00bean.Dear Lilly,<br />
Sometimes it's hard to be kind to people. Especially when it comes to things that involve you.<br />
I'm choosing to be nice, though. Despite my instinct. I want to scream, I want to cry...over something so small. But something so special to me.<br />
You will always be MY <em>bean</em> little girl. And no one can take away how special and dear that is to me.<br />
<br />
I love you,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-28236014773726720122010-09-16T09:03:00.000-07:002010-09-16T09:03:27.084-07:00in my heart.Dear Lilly,<br />
I just wanted to let you know that I miss you more with every passing moment. You'll forever be in my heart.<br />
<br />
All my love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-14754639113717551932010-09-13T05:00:00.000-07:002010-09-13T05:17:22.011-07:00ten months.Dear Lillian Joy,<br />
It's been ten months since I heard the words "no hear beat". Ten months since our world came crashing down around us. Ten months since we saw your face for the first time. Ten months since we said "hello" and "goodbye" in the same breath.<br />
Ten months ago (today) my heart was full of emotion. Hate, anger, confusion, hurt, loss, sad, peace, acceptance and love. Though I was completely and utterly heartbroken, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew that even though we were crushed and confused, that God has (and still has) a perfect plan for our lives.<br />
You were/are a big part of that plan. I know it. How could you not be? You brought Daddy and I closer together than I ever thought possible. You helped heal our broken family. You had a hand in healing broken families. <br />
I've never known such a little girl have such a HUGE impact on lives all around the world. You truly are an amazing person. I can only hope that one day I will have touched as many lives as you.<br />
It's official. As of today, you have been gone longer than you were here. I'm having a really hard time accepting and dealing with that.<br />
People probably think I'm crazy - but sometimes I still feel you. It's weird being ten months post partum, yet still having phantom kicks. Still waking up some days and thinking you're still here with me.<br />
I long for you. I ache for you. I miss you. But most of all I love you.<br />
<br />
Happy ten months in Heaven, Baby Girl.<br />
<br />
Mommy and Daddy love you more than anyone could ever imagine...<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-741004051938860576.post-81584695144126900752010-09-02T13:04:00.000-07:002010-09-02T13:04:27.338-07:00one step closer...Dear Lilly,<br />
My heart is torn. I miss you more than anything in this world - my arms continually ache for you. If there was something I could do to bring you back here with us, I'd do it. I would give anything.<br />
<br />
I'm having surgery in November. Seven days before your due date - and eleven days before your birthday. I'll still be recovering from it while we "celebrate" your short life, on your birthday.<br />
<br />
It's one step closer to growing our family.<br />
<br />
That hurts too. I feel as if I'm betraying you by trying to have another baby. I know that you'd want it no other way. Daddy and I have wanted to have a family for as long as we've been married. We've both dreamt of children for years.<br />
<br />
We, the three of us, are a family. We'll always be a family - even though we have to love you from a distance. I'm so thankful that I know my baby girl is in Heaven with Jesus.<br />
<br />
I love you little girl. I miss you even more.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0