it's been a while...

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's been a long time...huh? Sometimes, actually...most times... I just don't know what to say. I'm at a loss for what I should be saying, what I should be doing...how I should be acting in all that's going on in our lives.
 In just a few short weeks, your baby brother's and baby sister should be here with us. It's hard to believe that you've been gone long enough for me & daddy to figh infertility, to become pregnant, and to bring three more little lives into this world.
 They will know about you, Lilly. I'll talk about you all the time...they will know the story. And they will be aware of the footprints you left on all of our hearts.
 And you know... no matter what people say, these triplets are not replacement babies. Our hearts still ache for you, little girl. You'll never be replaced...you'll never be forgotten. You'll always be in my heart, and on my mind. How could we ever forget the little girl that made such big changes in our lives?
 I miss you, Baby. More than I ever thought possible...

Love,
 Mommy

15 months

Dearest Lilly Bean...
It's hard to write these days. Hard to know what to say...it's hard to know what to do. How can I be so incredibly happy when I feel so completely empty without you in our lives?
We miss you with every fiber of our being. There isn't a day that we don't speak of you. That I don't see your beautiful pictures all over the house and thank God for the time that He gave me with you.
I can't believe that you've been gone for 15 months... and then in the next breath, it seems like you've been gone for years. November 13th,2009 seems so far away.
Someone asked about you yesterday - and it caught me off guard. What am I supposed to say when people ask if your brothers and/or sisters in my tummy are my only children. I had a guy say, well... you already have one at home...right? Well... not the home that you would normally think of. *sigh* I had to tell him that you, our precious daughter, passed away over a year ago, in November of 2009.
I have mixed feelings of how I should feel with posed with this question. I hate to spring the whole "my child passed away" thing on people, but then I feel flat our guilty if I don't mention you. So... I have decided I'd rather make people uncomfortable for a brief moment... and hope that I have the chance to tell your story.
I love you little girl...you're amazing.

All my heart,
    Mommy

Dear Little LillyBean,
 I'm sorry that it's been so long since Mommy has written you. Please know that I love you with all of my heart, and that there isn't a day that goes by that you are not on my mind...and in my heart. You will forever be a part of me.
 Lilly...you're going to be a big sister...times three. I can't believe it, Mommy and Daddy are having triplets! God has truely blessed our family, Baby Girl. The only thing that would make it better is if you were here to share this life with us.
 We miss you so much, Lillian Joy. And we love you even more.

-Mommy

Dear Lilly,
 Another thirteenth has come and gone, and my heart continues to ache for you. It's been a weird last couple of weeks, and with every passing day... life proves to be even more "weird".
 I wish that I could say more...but that's all I can say right now. :  ) I love you little girl, with all of my heart.

-Mommy

01.01.11

Dear Lilly Bean,
 Today marks the new year. The year 2011. I can't believe how time has flown since you were born. And then again, I can't believe how much it has drug along.
 I have so many mixed emotions about this new year. Sad, because the more days that separate me and the day you were born....tears my heart out all over again. But excited to see what the Lord may have in store for our little family this year. I know that He has big plans for Daddy & me. I just wish with everything that is within me that you were still a part of "it".
 Don't get me wrong...you'll always be a part of me. No matter what. I'll carry you in my heart forever. It's just...different not having you here with me.
 I love you Lilly...forever, and for always. That's one of the few things that are sure in my life.

Love,
 Mommy

Christmas #2 Without you.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 Today marks the second Christmas that I have spent without you. This is the second Christmas that my heart is ripped from my chest every time I think about how I should be watching you tear into gifts... I was supposed to be watching your eyes light up with joy as you opened your new toys.
 It was supposed to be a happy Christmas. It was supposed to be a family Christmas. This Christmas though, is a little different than last year. Last year, my pain was fresh. I ached with every fiber of my being. And as much as I still hurt - I feel that I can make it through a whole lot easier this year.
 I have many mixed emotions about this day. About everything, actually. I love you little girl, and miss you so much...especially today.

Love,
 Mommy

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Dear Little Bean,
 Christmas is coming fast...and I am missing you more with every passing moment. I can't wait to see you again...

Until Then,
    Mommy