15 months

Dearest Lilly Bean...
It's hard to write these days. Hard to know what to say...it's hard to know what to do. How can I be so incredibly happy when I feel so completely empty without you in our lives?
We miss you with every fiber of our being. There isn't a day that we don't speak of you. That I don't see your beautiful pictures all over the house and thank God for the time that He gave me with you.
I can't believe that you've been gone for 15 months... and then in the next breath, it seems like you've been gone for years. November 13th,2009 seems so far away.
Someone asked about you yesterday - and it caught me off guard. What am I supposed to say when people ask if your brothers and/or sisters in my tummy are my only children. I had a guy say, well... you already have one at home...right? Well... not the home that you would normally think of. *sigh* I had to tell him that you, our precious daughter, passed away over a year ago, in November of 2009.
I have mixed feelings of how I should feel with posed with this question. I hate to spring the whole "my child passed away" thing on people, but then I feel flat our guilty if I don't mention you. So... I have decided I'd rather make people uncomfortable for a brief moment... and hope that I have the chance to tell your story.
I love you little girl...you're amazing.

All my heart,
    Mommy

01.01.11

Dear Lilly Bean,
 Today marks the new year. The year 2011. I can't believe how time has flown since you were born. And then again, I can't believe how much it has drug along.
 I have so many mixed emotions about this new year. Sad, because the more days that separate me and the day you were born....tears my heart out all over again. But excited to see what the Lord may have in store for our little family this year. I know that He has big plans for Daddy & me. I just wish with everything that is within me that you were still a part of "it".
 Don't get me wrong...you'll always be a part of me. No matter what. I'll carry you in my heart forever. It's just...different not having you here with me.
 I love you Lilly...forever, and for always. That's one of the few things that are sure in my life.

Love,
 Mommy

Christmas #2 Without you.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 Today marks the second Christmas that I have spent without you. This is the second Christmas that my heart is ripped from my chest every time I think about how I should be watching you tear into gifts... I was supposed to be watching your eyes light up with joy as you opened your new toys.
 It was supposed to be a happy Christmas. It was supposed to be a family Christmas. This Christmas though, is a little different than last year. Last year, my pain was fresh. I ached with every fiber of my being. And as much as I still hurt - I feel that I can make it through a whole lot easier this year.
 I have many mixed emotions about this day. About everything, actually. I love you little girl, and miss you so much...especially today.

Love,
 Mommy

oh how I miss you.

Dear Baby Girl...
 Oh how I miss you with every passing day. My heart breaks every morning that I wake up and have to realize all over again that this isn't a horrible nightmare, that it is my reality.
 I constantly think about you...talk about you. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently. How things could have gone... how things should have gone.
 I'm sure you'd be walking by now...and I know that you would be Daddy's little angel. And Mommy's little helper.
 I'd be getting all of your Christmas gifts wrapped and under the tree...even though you wouldn't understand what they were for. We would have already had pictures take...all ready and wrapped up for your Gigi & Poppy....and for Gammy too!
 There are so many times that I think...what if? I know that this was the Lord's will... but baby girl, I miss you so much. I ache inside. I'm lonely...and I'm empty.

I love you Sweet Lilly.

-Mommy

thankful.

Dearest Lilly Bean,
 Tomorrow marks my second Thanksgiving without you. I think that the holidays "get" me more than any other.
 Everyone has their families & children to celebrate with. I mean, I have my family...and your Daddy. But it's just not the same without you.
 I want to go to bed tonight and wake up on Saturday. I would love if I could just skip Thanksgiving all together, and Christmas for that matter!!
 I miss you so much, and I can't stand the thought of going through the holidays (again) without you in my arms.But as Thanksgiving approaches, I want you to know that I am forever thankful that God allowed me almost ten perfect months with you. That He saw fit to allow me to carry you inside me... to love you. I am so thankful that YOU are my daughter.
  You are so loved little girl...you will never know how much.

Forever,
 Mommy

11.13.2010

Dear Lilly Bean,
  Exactly one year ago, Daddy and I said hello and goodbye...all in one breath. In my opinion, this pain that we endure daily is a pain that no parent should ever have to feel.
  This last year has been filled with heartbreak,tears,confusion,pain,jealousy... and then finally, acceptance,love, laughter... and hope.
   I keep playing the events of that cool November day over and over in my head. Oh how I would give anything in this world to go back to those last few days and do everything differently. Demand a ultrasound... demand that I be induced earlier. But would it have changed the outcome? I really don't think it would have.
   I believe that God allowed you to pass gently, without pain or suffering - and I believe that for what ever reason, that even if you were born alive...that we would have endured unimaginable pain.
   There is a reason for everything...I truly do believe that. I only wish that I understood the reason for you being taken from me. The reason for you dying. But here we are, a year later...and nothing. No reasons... confusion and pain still remain, even after all this time.
   Daddy and I are thinking of you sweet girl...dreaming of the day that we will be together. We love you, with everything within us. You will forever be a part of us...and we will always carry you in our hearts.
   Happy birthday baby girl...Heavenly Birthday, that is.

I love you...I miss you...


Love,
 Mommy

surgery.

Dear Lilly,
 Well... I made it through surgery okay. :) I was terrified...but God got me through - and for that I am so very thankful.
 You were on my mind all day yesterday...especially in the OR. I couldn't help but think of you the whole time. Couldn't help but think about how the last time I was in the hospital - the very same hospital - that it was with you. The last time I checked myself in, I was looking forward to meeting you. And the last time I was taken to the OR, I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to you. Funny how when I was 4 days past my due date I WALKED to the OR, but this time I was wheeled in.
 I had to write to you today - because of something kind of cool that happened to me yesterday. You'd better believe I was talking about you. I told my nurse about you when she asked about my c-section. I told her what happened, to the best of our knowledge. She saw my tattoo while putting socks on my feet... and said that it was beautiful. I told her it was in honor of you. :) She said that you have a beautiful name...I think so too!
 But that's not the cool thing. When they wheeled me into the OR, they introduced me to my OR nurse...Lily. At first I wanted to cry... but then I couldn't help but think about how cool it was. The last time I was in the OR you were with me, and this time (when I was so scared of being alone) there was a Lily with me too.
 I love you little girl...I think of you all the time, and I miss you always.

Love,
 Mommy

miss you.

Dear Lilly,
 I can't help but think that things would be so much easier if you were here.

I miss & love you,
        Mommy

Oct.15

Dear Lilly,
 Today is pregnancy & infant loss awareness day. I hate that you and I (and Daddy) are part of that number. I hate being a member of the babyloss community. And I hate that you are now a 1 in 4 statistic.
 I'm honoring you today. Remembering your short 9 month long life here on earth, in my tummy. I remember you every day girl, but today especially.
 There is so little to hold on to... but I'm holding tight to what I've got left.

I love you...all my heart.

Always,
 Mommy

close.

Dear Lilly,
 Soon it will be 11 months since you've been gone. Your birthday approaches with every passing moment, and it breaks my heart.
 I keep praying that I'll be able to keep it together. That I won't fall apart. But I'm sure that I will. How can I possibly be strong?
 I love you little girl. All my heart.

Forever,
 Mommy

daddy.

Dear Lilly,
 I just wanted to take a second and tell you that Daddy misses you. He's been talking about you a lot lately. You're on our mind all the time little girl...and more importantly, in our hearts.

Love,
 Mommy

i remember.

Dear Lilly Bean...
  It's officially fall. This is normally a time of year that I love. Cool weather. Jeans, sweater & boot weather. Time for a lot of my favorite things...and times. Thanksgiving with family... Christmas with family.
  The only thing that's going to be missing this year is you. Same as last year.
  As the cool weather comes and the holidays approach... I get more and more down in the dumps. I don't look forward to it. Actually, I'm dreading it.
  Along with Autumn comes a lot of feelings that I'd rather keep buried. With September being here... I am remembering the showers that were given to me. With October, I think of having to be put on bed rest. I remember a million card games, tv watching, movies...Taco Bell, Chinese food, diet cherry cokes & good times with Daddy. I also remember laying on the couch for a good 18 hours a day - watching and feeling you wiggle around in my belly. I remember doctors appointments...and wishing with every one that you would come soon.
  And with November...comes the most pain. I remember it like it was yesterday - and it's hard to accept that it was almost a year ago. I remember on November 9th, your due day, I talked to your Aunt Aleisha on the phone for the first time in over a year. I remember taking a picture of my 40 week belly - in front of the door that leads to your room. I remember facebook status posts about how we were 40 weeks, but still no baby.
  On November 12th, I had my last doctors appointment before you were born. Dilated *maybe* two centimeters. Induction was still on for the next day. Dr G would come to the hospital that morning and check me...give me some meds. He'd come back around lunch and break my water. We were so excited.
  And then life as we know it was turned completely upside down. Forever.

 We miss you little girl - more than you could ever know.

I love you,
     Mommy