11.13.2010

Dear Lilly Bean,
  Exactly one year ago, Daddy and I said hello and goodbye...all in one breath. In my opinion, this pain that we endure daily is a pain that no parent should ever have to feel.
  This last year has been filled with heartbreak,tears,confusion,pain,jealousy... and then finally, acceptance,love, laughter... and hope.
   I keep playing the events of that cool November day over and over in my head. Oh how I would give anything in this world to go back to those last few days and do everything differently. Demand a ultrasound... demand that I be induced earlier. But would it have changed the outcome? I really don't think it would have.
   I believe that God allowed you to pass gently, without pain or suffering - and I believe that for what ever reason, that even if you were born alive...that we would have endured unimaginable pain.
   There is a reason for everything...I truly do believe that. I only wish that I understood the reason for you being taken from me. The reason for you dying. But here we are, a year later...and nothing. No reasons... confusion and pain still remain, even after all this time.
   Daddy and I are thinking of you sweet girl...dreaming of the day that we will be together. We love you, with everything within us. You will forever be a part of us...and we will always carry you in our hearts.
   Happy birthday baby girl...Heavenly Birthday, that is.

I love you...I miss you...


Love,
 Mommy

soon.

Dear Lilly,
 Your birthday is soon...and with every passing moment, I dread it even more. And on top of all the other feelings that have taken over...I feel guilt. Guilt because we won't be here on your birthday. I won't be able to visit the cemetary on your birthday. Daddy and I thought it would be best if we go out of town.
 We're going to the beach for 5 days. I think it will be good. I hope it will be good. But I still feel guilty. Guilty that I won't be here...that I won't be coming to "see" you.
 Don't think for a second that we won't be thinking about you, sweet girl. Even now, almost a year later... we miss you with ever fiber of our being.
 You were and still are our world. We love you, forever.

Love,
 Mommy & Daddy

close.

Dear Lilly,
 Soon it will be 11 months since you've been gone. Your birthday approaches with every passing moment, and it breaks my heart.
 I keep praying that I'll be able to keep it together. That I won't fall apart. But I'm sure that I will. How can I possibly be strong?
 I love you little girl. All my heart.

Forever,
 Mommy