15 months

Dearest Lilly Bean...
It's hard to write these days. Hard to know what to say...it's hard to know what to do. How can I be so incredibly happy when I feel so completely empty without you in our lives?
We miss you with every fiber of our being. There isn't a day that we don't speak of you. That I don't see your beautiful pictures all over the house and thank God for the time that He gave me with you.
I can't believe that you've been gone for 15 months... and then in the next breath, it seems like you've been gone for years. November 13th,2009 seems so far away.
Someone asked about you yesterday - and it caught me off guard. What am I supposed to say when people ask if your brothers and/or sisters in my tummy are my only children. I had a guy say, well... you already have one at home...right? Well... not the home that you would normally think of. *sigh* I had to tell him that you, our precious daughter, passed away over a year ago, in November of 2009.
I have mixed feelings of how I should feel with posed with this question. I hate to spring the whole "my child passed away" thing on people, but then I feel flat our guilty if I don't mention you. So... I have decided I'd rather make people uncomfortable for a brief moment... and hope that I have the chance to tell your story.
I love you little girl...you're amazing.

All my heart,
    Mommy

Christmas #2 Without you.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 Today marks the second Christmas that I have spent without you. This is the second Christmas that my heart is ripped from my chest every time I think about how I should be watching you tear into gifts... I was supposed to be watching your eyes light up with joy as you opened your new toys.
 It was supposed to be a happy Christmas. It was supposed to be a family Christmas. This Christmas though, is a little different than last year. Last year, my pain was fresh. I ached with every fiber of my being. And as much as I still hurt - I feel that I can make it through a whole lot easier this year.
 I have many mixed emotions about this day. About everything, actually. I love you little girl, and miss you so much...especially today.

Love,
 Mommy

oh how I miss you.

Dear Baby Girl...
 Oh how I miss you with every passing day. My heart breaks every morning that I wake up and have to realize all over again that this isn't a horrible nightmare, that it is my reality.
 I constantly think about you...talk about you. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently. How things could have gone... how things should have gone.
 I'm sure you'd be walking by now...and I know that you would be Daddy's little angel. And Mommy's little helper.
 I'd be getting all of your Christmas gifts wrapped and under the tree...even though you wouldn't understand what they were for. We would have already had pictures take...all ready and wrapped up for your Gigi & Poppy....and for Gammy too!
 There are so many times that I think...what if? I know that this was the Lord's will... but baby girl, I miss you so much. I ache inside. I'm lonely...and I'm empty.

I love you Sweet Lilly.

-Mommy

pain.

Dear Little Bean,
 So Daddy and I made it through another Thanksgiving without you. It was tough, but so is every day. I couldn't help but think how different things would have been this holiday season, if you were here with us.
 We miss you so much...and love you even more.

Love,
 Mommy (for Daddy too!)

surgery.

Dear Lilly,
 Well... I made it through surgery okay. :) I was terrified...but God got me through - and for that I am so very thankful.
 You were on my mind all day yesterday...especially in the OR. I couldn't help but think of you the whole time. Couldn't help but think about how the last time I was in the hospital - the very same hospital - that it was with you. The last time I checked myself in, I was looking forward to meeting you. And the last time I was taken to the OR, I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to you. Funny how when I was 4 days past my due date I WALKED to the OR, but this time I was wheeled in.
 I had to write to you today - because of something kind of cool that happened to me yesterday. You'd better believe I was talking about you. I told my nurse about you when she asked about my c-section. I told her what happened, to the best of our knowledge. She saw my tattoo while putting socks on my feet... and said that it was beautiful. I told her it was in honor of you. :) She said that you have a beautiful name...I think so too!
 But that's not the cool thing. When they wheeled me into the OR, they introduced me to my OR nurse...Lily. At first I wanted to cry... but then I couldn't help but think about how cool it was. The last time I was in the OR you were with me, and this time (when I was so scared of being alone) there was a Lily with me too.
 I love you little girl...I think of you all the time, and I miss you always.

Love,
 Mommy

soon.

Dear Lilly,
 Your birthday is soon...and with every passing moment, I dread it even more. And on top of all the other feelings that have taken over...I feel guilt. Guilt because we won't be here on your birthday. I won't be able to visit the cemetary on your birthday. Daddy and I thought it would be best if we go out of town.
 We're going to the beach for 5 days. I think it will be good. I hope it will be good. But I still feel guilty. Guilty that I won't be here...that I won't be coming to "see" you.
 Don't think for a second that we won't be thinking about you, sweet girl. Even now, almost a year later... we miss you with ever fiber of our being.
 You were and still are our world. We love you, forever.

Love,
 Mommy & Daddy

miss you.

Dear Lilly,
 I can't help but think that things would be so much easier if you were here.

I miss & love you,
        Mommy

Oct.15

Dear Lilly,
 Today is pregnancy & infant loss awareness day. I hate that you and I (and Daddy) are part of that number. I hate being a member of the babyloss community. And I hate that you are now a 1 in 4 statistic.
 I'm honoring you today. Remembering your short 9 month long life here on earth, in my tummy. I remember you every day girl, but today especially.
 There is so little to hold on to... but I'm holding tight to what I've got left.

I love you...all my heart.

Always,
 Mommy

eleven.

Dear Lillian...
Today marks the eleven month mark. You've been gone for eleven months. As I type these words, it still doesn't feel real.
I miss you with every fiber of my being. I would do anything to have you back in my arms today. Anything.
My love for you grows with every passing moment. As does my pain. I thought it'd get easier, Baby. But it hasn't...and I don't think it will.
You'll always be missed...you'll always be remembered...and you will always always be loved.

Forever,
   Mommy