i remember.

Dear Lilly Bean...
  It's officially fall. This is normally a time of year that I love. Cool weather. Jeans, sweater & boot weather. Time for a lot of my favorite things...and times. Thanksgiving with family... Christmas with family.
  The only thing that's going to be missing this year is you. Same as last year.
  As the cool weather comes and the holidays approach... I get more and more down in the dumps. I don't look forward to it. Actually, I'm dreading it.
  Along with Autumn comes a lot of feelings that I'd rather keep buried. With September being here... I am remembering the showers that were given to me. With October, I think of having to be put on bed rest. I remember a million card games, tv watching, movies...Taco Bell, Chinese food, diet cherry cokes & good times with Daddy. I also remember laying on the couch for a good 18 hours a day - watching and feeling you wiggle around in my belly. I remember doctors appointments...and wishing with every one that you would come soon.
  And with November...comes the most pain. I remember it like it was yesterday - and it's hard to accept that it was almost a year ago. I remember on November 9th, your due day, I talked to your Aunt Aleisha on the phone for the first time in over a year. I remember taking a picture of my 40 week belly - in front of the door that leads to your room. I remember facebook status posts about how we were 40 weeks, but still no baby.
  On November 12th, I had my last doctors appointment before you were born. Dilated *maybe* two centimeters. Induction was still on for the next day. Dr G would come to the hospital that morning and check me...give me some meds. He'd come back around lunch and break my water. We were so excited.
  And then life as we know it was turned completely upside down. Forever.

 We miss you little girl - more than you could ever know.

I love you,
     Mommy