Monday, November 29, 2010


Dear Little Bean,
 So Daddy and I made it through another Thanksgiving without you. It was tough, but so is every day. I couldn't help but think how different things would have been this holiday season, if you were here with us.
 We miss you so much...and love you even more.

 Mommy (for Daddy too!)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Dearest Lilly Bean,
 Tomorrow marks my second Thanksgiving without you. I think that the holidays "get" me more than any other.
 Everyone has their families & children to celebrate with. I mean, I have my family...and your Daddy. But it's just not the same without you.
 I want to go to bed tonight and wake up on Saturday. I would love if I could just skip Thanksgiving all together, and Christmas for that matter!!
 I miss you so much, and I can't stand the thought of going through the holidays (again) without you in my arms.But as Thanksgiving approaches, I want you to know that I am forever thankful that God allowed me almost ten perfect months with you. That He saw fit to allow me to carry you inside me... to love you. I am so thankful that YOU are my daughter.
  You are so loved little will never know how much.


Monday, November 22, 2010

missing u.

Dear Baby Girl,
 Just wanted to say I love you.

Forever & a day,

Saturday, November 13, 2010


Dear Lilly Bean,
  Exactly one year ago, Daddy and I said hello and goodbye...all in one breath. In my opinion, this pain that we endure daily is a pain that no parent should ever have to feel.
  This last year has been filled with heartbreak,tears,confusion,pain,jealousy... and then finally, acceptance,love, laughter... and hope.
   I keep playing the events of that cool November day over and over in my head. Oh how I would give anything in this world to go back to those last few days and do everything differently. Demand a ultrasound... demand that I be induced earlier. But would it have changed the outcome? I really don't think it would have.
   I believe that God allowed you to pass gently, without pain or suffering - and I believe that for what ever reason, that even if you were born alive...that we would have endured unimaginable pain.
   There is a reason for everything...I truly do believe that. I only wish that I understood the reason for you being taken from me. The reason for you dying. But here we are, a year later...and nothing. No reasons... confusion and pain still remain, even after all this time.
   Daddy and I are thinking of you sweet girl...dreaming of the day that we will be together. We love you, with everything within us. You will forever be a part of us...and we will always carry you in our hearts.
   Happy birthday baby girl...Heavenly Birthday, that is.

I love you...I miss you...


Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Dear Lilly,
 Well... I made it through surgery okay. :) I was terrified...but God got me through - and for that I am so very thankful.
 You were on my mind all day yesterday...especially in the OR. I couldn't help but think of you the whole time. Couldn't help but think about how the last time I was in the hospital - the very same hospital - that it was with you. The last time I checked myself in, I was looking forward to meeting you. And the last time I was taken to the OR, I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to you. Funny how when I was 4 days past my due date I WALKED to the OR, but this time I was wheeled in.
 I had to write to you today - because of something kind of cool that happened to me yesterday. You'd better believe I was talking about you. I told my nurse about you when she asked about my c-section. I told her what happened, to the best of our knowledge. She saw my tattoo while putting socks on my feet... and said that it was beautiful. I told her it was in honor of you. :) She said that you have a beautiful name...I think so too!
 But that's not the cool thing. When they wheeled me into the OR, they introduced me to my OR nurse...Lily. At first I wanted to cry... but then I couldn't help but think about how cool it was. The last time I was in the OR you were with me, and this time (when I was so scared of being alone) there was a Lily with me too.
 I love you little girl...I think of you all the time, and I miss you always.