daddy.

Dear Lilly,
 I just wanted to take a second and tell you that Daddy misses you. He's been talking about you a lot lately. You're on our mind all the time little girl...and more importantly, in our hearts.

Love,
 Mommy

i remember.

Dear Lilly Bean...
  It's officially fall. This is normally a time of year that I love. Cool weather. Jeans, sweater & boot weather. Time for a lot of my favorite things...and times. Thanksgiving with family... Christmas with family.
  The only thing that's going to be missing this year is you. Same as last year.
  As the cool weather comes and the holidays approach... I get more and more down in the dumps. I don't look forward to it. Actually, I'm dreading it.
  Along with Autumn comes a lot of feelings that I'd rather keep buried. With September being here... I am remembering the showers that were given to me. With October, I think of having to be put on bed rest. I remember a million card games, tv watching, movies...Taco Bell, Chinese food, diet cherry cokes & good times with Daddy. I also remember laying on the couch for a good 18 hours a day - watching and feeling you wiggle around in my belly. I remember doctors appointments...and wishing with every one that you would come soon.
  And with November...comes the most pain. I remember it like it was yesterday - and it's hard to accept that it was almost a year ago. I remember on November 9th, your due day, I talked to your Aunt Aleisha on the phone for the first time in over a year. I remember taking a picture of my 40 week belly - in front of the door that leads to your room. I remember facebook status posts about how we were 40 weeks, but still no baby.
  On November 12th, I had my last doctors appointment before you were born. Dilated *maybe* two centimeters. Induction was still on for the next day. Dr G would come to the hospital that morning and check me...give me some meds. He'd come back around lunch and break my water. We were so excited.
  And then life as we know it was turned completely upside down. Forever.

 We miss you little girl - more than you could ever know.

I love you,
     Mommy

bean.

Dear Lilly,
 Sometimes it's hard to be kind to people. Especially when it comes to things that involve you.
 I'm choosing to be nice, though. Despite my instinct. I want to scream, I want to cry...over something so small. But something so special to me.
 You will always be MY bean little girl. And no one can take away how special and dear that is to me.

I love you,
 Mommy

in my heart.

Dear Lilly,
 I just wanted to let you know that I miss you more with every passing moment. You'll forever be in my heart.

All my love,
     Mommy

ten months.

Dear Lillian Joy,
  It's been ten months since I heard the words "no hear beat". Ten months since our world came crashing down around us. Ten months since we saw your face for the first time. Ten months since we said "hello" and "goodbye" in the same breath.
 Ten months ago (today) my heart was full of emotion. Hate, anger, confusion, hurt, loss, sad, peace, acceptance and love. Though I was completely and utterly heartbroken, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew that even though we were crushed and confused, that God has (and still has) a perfect plan for our lives.
 You were/are a big part of that plan. I know it. How could you not be? You brought Daddy and I closer together than I ever thought possible. You helped heal our broken family. You had a hand in healing broken families.
 I've never known such a little girl have such a HUGE impact on lives all around the world. You truly are an amazing person. I can only hope that one day I will have touched as many lives as you.
 It's official. As of today, you have been gone longer than you were here. I'm having a really hard time accepting and dealing with that.
 People probably think I'm crazy - but sometimes I still feel you. It's weird being ten months post partum, yet still having phantom kicks. Still waking up some days and thinking you're still here with me.
 I long for you. I ache for you. I miss you. But most of all I love you.

Happy ten months in Heaven, Baby Girl.

Mommy and Daddy love you more than anyone could ever imagine...

Love,
 Mommy

one step closer...

Dear Lilly,
 My heart is torn. I miss you more than anything in this world - my arms continually ache for you. If there was something I could do to bring you back here with us, I'd do it. I would give anything.

 I'm having surgery in November. Seven days before your due date - and eleven days before your birthday. I'll still be recovering from it while we "celebrate" your short life, on your birthday.

 It's one step closer to growing our family.

 That hurts too. I feel as if I'm betraying you by trying to have another baby. I know that you'd want it no other way. Daddy and I have wanted to have a family for as long as we've been married. We've both dreamt of children for years.

 We, the three of us, are a family. We'll always be a family - even though we have to love you from a distance. I'm so thankful that I know my baby girl is in Heaven with Jesus.

 I love you little girl. I miss you even more.

Love,
 Mommy