Friday, August 13, 2010

i hate 13.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's been nine months today since I said hello and goodbye to you. I can't believe it. It's been nine months, three quarters of a year. And it still hurts just as much as it did then.
 I find myself wondering, where do I go from here? What should I do. I know that I have to move on with my life...I can't be consumed by grief for the rest of my life. But the fact is, I don't know how I could ever get past this grief.
 The feeling of emptiness is sometimes completely overwhelming. I can't breathe... I can't think... I can't move.
 I can't help but think that the cards I have been dealt are not fair. I should be holding my little girl, I shold be watching you grow...dressing you up, taking you out...enjoying my new role as mommy. In fact, in just three short months I should be planning your birthday party. But instead I am left with the role of "babyloss mama", trying to fit in in this cruel world. I am also stuck as to what I should do for your birthday. I want to celebrate you. After all, you are a gift that God gave to me...even if it was just for a little while.
 Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever begin to express, Little Girl. Our hearts ache with every passing day. We continue to dream about all the "could have been's". But that's all they are...dreams. The kind that won't be coming true.
 I'll miss you forever, Lilly. And I love you with all of my heart...


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