a hard (couple of) week.

Dear Lilly,
 It's been a while. I don't really know what to say anymore. It's been a really rough few weeks, and I'm praying hard that things will begin to look up.
 Mommy might have to have surgery...which is kinda scary. Before you were born, I had never been in a hospital - and never had any type of surgery, well...except for having my wisdom teeth removed. I'm terrified but looking forward to what could be.
 If things go according to plan, and our insurance agrees to cover the surgery, I'll be having it done on November 2nd. That's a little too close for comfort if you ask me. I'll be recovering from a painful surgery during the time I should be celebrating your first birthday. It should be a happy time for me, but instead - it'll be a very emotional one. For me, and for daddy.
 I desperately want to give birth to baby brothers and sisters for you . It's a hard thing to balance. Continuing to honor you as my first born, and trying to make room for other children. :) I know that I can do it. I have no doubt - but it will be an emotional road, I know.
 I keep thinking about what will happen if we *can't* get pregnant again, right now. What do we do?? I think adoption is the answer - but that's an equally scary thing.
 I know that whatever happens in our lives - God is in control, and he has a wonderful plan for us.
 You are missed more than anyone could ever imagine. The pain that I feel is so intense, I would never want anyone to feel it. I hate these feelings, I want you here - but this is the life that I must lead.

I love you Baby Girl...forever.

Love,
 Mommy