a hard (couple of) week.

Dear Lilly,
 It's been a while. I don't really know what to say anymore. It's been a really rough few weeks, and I'm praying hard that things will begin to look up.
 Mommy might have to have surgery...which is kinda scary. Before you were born, I had never been in a hospital - and never had any type of surgery, well...except for having my wisdom teeth removed. I'm terrified but looking forward to what could be.
 If things go according to plan, and our insurance agrees to cover the surgery, I'll be having it done on November 2nd. That's a little too close for comfort if you ask me. I'll be recovering from a painful surgery during the time I should be celebrating your first birthday. It should be a happy time for me, but instead - it'll be a very emotional one. For me, and for daddy.
 I desperately want to give birth to baby brothers and sisters for you . It's a hard thing to balance. Continuing to honor you as my first born, and trying to make room for other children. :) I know that I can do it. I have no doubt - but it will be an emotional road, I know.
 I keep thinking about what will happen if we *can't* get pregnant again, right now. What do we do?? I think adoption is the answer - but that's an equally scary thing.
 I know that whatever happens in our lives - God is in control, and he has a wonderful plan for us.
 You are missed more than anyone could ever imagine. The pain that I feel is so intense, I would never want anyone to feel it. I hate these feelings, I want you here - but this is the life that I must lead.

I love you Baby Girl...forever.

Love,
 Mommy

blah.

Dear Lilly,
   Last night was a good night. I haven't had one of those in a while. Daddy and me were actually laughing and enjoying one anothers company. I almost feel guilty during times like these. How can I be happy? Laughing? Smiling? All the while your picture is sitting two feet away from me, reminding me of what could have been - every time I look at it.
   I go back to see Dr S on Tuesday. We'll find out if there is hope of a baby brother or sister this month. I'm praying that there will be - even though if I am told there is hope, I'll be scared out of my mind. And I'll feel guilty.
   A lot of emotions bouncing around in there...and I don't know what to do with all of them. I love you little girl. All my heart.

Forever,
   Mommy
  

resting place.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 Today marks nine months since Daddy carried (your body) to your final resting place. I can't even begin to tell you how hard that day was for me... for us.
 It was literally Hell on earth, Lilly. Watching the men take you from their car- watching your daddy struggle as he took your casket into his arms. My heart physically ached as I walked by your Daddy's side as he carried you. I hurt, we hurt - but I was so incredibly proud of your Daddy that day. He was strong for me...for you.
 I still see you clearly. For that I am so very thankful. Thankful that God has allowed my memories of you to remain vivid. He know, Lilly. He knows that I am afraid of not remembering you. I never want to forget anything about you.
 I remember the smell of the chapel that day. It smelled of all the flowers that were sent in your honor. So many people came to honor you that day. People traveled from near and far- they came because they loved us. All three of us.
 I remember walking in the chapel that day. And I remember looking at your tiny,precious, yet lifeless body. I remember thinking (and saying) how beautiful you were/are. You are the most beautiful baby that I've ever seen, Lillian Joy.
 Nine months ago today, I said my final goodbye - until we meet in Heaven.
 With every single breath I take, I miss you. I want you. I love you.
 You are my world, Little Girl. And I don't know how to do this without you.

Loving you longer than forever,
                                    Mommy

mean world.

Dear Lilly Bean,
   It's been a few days since I wrote you last. I feel as if every time I come here to write to you, I am just repeating myself. I love you, I miss you...I want you here with me more than anything in this world. I am grieving, I am hurting...and I don't know what to do with the pain that I feel.
  There are mean people in this world, Lilly. I am thankful that you never had to experience the feeling of being hurt by someone who calls themselves your friend. It's tough. Especially now, with you gone.
  My heart literally aches for you. Sometimes it is unbearable. I can't think, I can't move... I can't breath. I'm so overtaken by grief sometimes. And I feel like no one understands me. Sometimes Daddy doesn't even "get" me.
  I am so sick of hurting, and sick of people looking at me like I'm an alien or something. I'm the same as anyone else, I just might have gone through more heartache than the average person. :( I miss you little girl.

Forever,
 Mommy

i hate 13.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's been nine months today since I said hello and goodbye to you. I can't believe it. It's been nine months, three quarters of a year. And it still hurts just as much as it did then.
 I find myself wondering, where do I go from here? What should I do. I know that I have to move on with my life...I can't be consumed by grief for the rest of my life. But the fact is, I don't know how I could ever get past this grief.
 The feeling of emptiness is sometimes completely overwhelming. I can't breathe... I can't think... I can't move.
 I can't help but think that the cards I have been dealt are not fair. I should be holding my little girl, I shold be watching you grow...dressing you up, taking you out...enjoying my new role as mommy. In fact, in just three short months I should be planning your birthday party. But instead I am left with the role of "babyloss mama", trying to fit in in this cruel world. I am also stuck as to what I should do for your birthday. I want to celebrate you. After all, you are a gift that God gave to me...even if it was just for a little while.
 Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever begin to express, Little Girl. Our hearts ache with every passing day. We continue to dream about all the "could have been's". But that's all they are...dreams. The kind that won't be coming true.
 I'll miss you forever, Lilly. And I love you with all of my heart...

Always,
    Mommy

scrapbooking

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's me again.Imagine that, right?? I've been thinking of you a lot these last several days. More than usual, actually.
 I think it's because nine months is quickly approaching.That's almost as long as I carried you inside me. I'm just aching on the inside.
 I'm starting a scrapbook today. A scrap book about your life. All about you. I've been meaning to get started on it, but haven't had the energy...or the heart. But I think I'm ready now. I want to honor you in every way possible.
 I love you so much Lilly, and miss you like crazy.

I will love you longer than forever...

~Mommy

flowers

Dear Lilly,
 Daddy and I came to visit you yesterday. It was hard. We went shopping for flowers worthy of being put on your grave...but we could find none.
 So we settled for a semi pretty bunch of yellow and orange flowers. They scream "happy"...even though we are not.
 There are so many little graves around yours. The one nearest to you belonging to a little boy named Mason. :) Daddy says that y'all must be friends in Heaven. He joined you and Jesus in February.
 It breaks my heart all over again every time I visit you there in that cemetery. I hate that word cemetery. I hate headstone, I hate silk flowers...and I especially hate carnations.
 Daddy picked up some pink carnations for you, and I immediately placed them back on the shelf. Carnations remind me of death, and that's something that I'm reminded of enough without having to add to it.
 I just want you to know that we love you Little Girl - and we always will. You're the most beautiful baby I'll ever know.

Until next time....

~Mommy

to my baby girl...

Baby Girl,
 We are quickly approaching the nine month mark. Nine months since I heard the doctors tell me that they couldn't find your heartbeat. Nine months since I held you in my arms. I ache inside.
 I encountered a person today. And though this person didn't attack me, I still hurt. I hurt for the sweet girl they attacked (and her Lily too!). How could someone be so cruel??
 You are my first born, and my only child (thus far). How could I not talk about you?? Though you aren't here with me, I am still proud to be your mommy and to call you my own.
 I love you forever my Lilly Bean. And I am so thankful for the lives that you have touched these last (almost) nine months. You are an amazing little girl... I hope that one day I can touch as many hearts as you.

Love Always,
 Mommy