Christmas #2 Without you.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 Today marks the second Christmas that I have spent without you. This is the second Christmas that my heart is ripped from my chest every time I think about how I should be watching you tear into gifts... I was supposed to be watching your eyes light up with joy as you opened your new toys.
 It was supposed to be a happy Christmas. It was supposed to be a family Christmas. This Christmas though, is a little different than last year. Last year, my pain was fresh. I ached with every fiber of my being. And as much as I still hurt - I feel that I can make it through a whole lot easier this year.
 I have many mixed emotions about this day. About everything, actually. I love you little girl, and miss you so much...especially today.

Love,
 Mommy

.

Dear Little Bean,
 Christmas is coming fast...and I am missing you more with every passing moment. I can't wait to see you again...

Until Then,
    Mommy

oh how I miss you.

Dear Baby Girl...
 Oh how I miss you with every passing day. My heart breaks every morning that I wake up and have to realize all over again that this isn't a horrible nightmare, that it is my reality.
 I constantly think about you...talk about you. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently. How things could have gone... how things should have gone.
 I'm sure you'd be walking by now...and I know that you would be Daddy's little angel. And Mommy's little helper.
 I'd be getting all of your Christmas gifts wrapped and under the tree...even though you wouldn't understand what they were for. We would have already had pictures take...all ready and wrapped up for your Gigi & Poppy....and for Gammy too!
 There are so many times that I think...what if? I know that this was the Lord's will... but baby girl, I miss you so much. I ache inside. I'm lonely...and I'm empty.

I love you Sweet Lilly.

-Mommy

pain.

Dear Little Bean,
 So Daddy and I made it through another Thanksgiving without you. It was tough, but so is every day. I couldn't help but think how different things would have been this holiday season, if you were here with us.
 We miss you so much...and love you even more.

Love,
 Mommy (for Daddy too!)

thankful.

Dearest Lilly Bean,
 Tomorrow marks my second Thanksgiving without you. I think that the holidays "get" me more than any other.
 Everyone has their families & children to celebrate with. I mean, I have my family...and your Daddy. But it's just not the same without you.
 I want to go to bed tonight and wake up on Saturday. I would love if I could just skip Thanksgiving all together, and Christmas for that matter!!
 I miss you so much, and I can't stand the thought of going through the holidays (again) without you in my arms.But as Thanksgiving approaches, I want you to know that I am forever thankful that God allowed me almost ten perfect months with you. That He saw fit to allow me to carry you inside me... to love you. I am so thankful that YOU are my daughter.
  You are so loved little girl...you will never know how much.

Forever,
 Mommy

missing u.

Dear Baby Girl,
 Just wanted to say I love you.

Forever & a day,
         Mommy

11.13.2010

Dear Lilly Bean,
  Exactly one year ago, Daddy and I said hello and goodbye...all in one breath. In my opinion, this pain that we endure daily is a pain that no parent should ever have to feel.
  This last year has been filled with heartbreak,tears,confusion,pain,jealousy... and then finally, acceptance,love, laughter... and hope.
   I keep playing the events of that cool November day over and over in my head. Oh how I would give anything in this world to go back to those last few days and do everything differently. Demand a ultrasound... demand that I be induced earlier. But would it have changed the outcome? I really don't think it would have.
   I believe that God allowed you to pass gently, without pain or suffering - and I believe that for what ever reason, that even if you were born alive...that we would have endured unimaginable pain.
   There is a reason for everything...I truly do believe that. I only wish that I understood the reason for you being taken from me. The reason for you dying. But here we are, a year later...and nothing. No reasons... confusion and pain still remain, even after all this time.
   Daddy and I are thinking of you sweet girl...dreaming of the day that we will be together. We love you, with everything within us. You will forever be a part of us...and we will always carry you in our hearts.
   Happy birthday baby girl...Heavenly Birthday, that is.

I love you...I miss you...


Love,
 Mommy

surgery.

Dear Lilly,
 Well... I made it through surgery okay. :) I was terrified...but God got me through - and for that I am so very thankful.
 You were on my mind all day yesterday...especially in the OR. I couldn't help but think of you the whole time. Couldn't help but think about how the last time I was in the hospital - the very same hospital - that it was with you. The last time I checked myself in, I was looking forward to meeting you. And the last time I was taken to the OR, I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to you. Funny how when I was 4 days past my due date I WALKED to the OR, but this time I was wheeled in.
 I had to write to you today - because of something kind of cool that happened to me yesterday. You'd better believe I was talking about you. I told my nurse about you when she asked about my c-section. I told her what happened, to the best of our knowledge. She saw my tattoo while putting socks on my feet... and said that it was beautiful. I told her it was in honor of you. :) She said that you have a beautiful name...I think so too!
 But that's not the cool thing. When they wheeled me into the OR, they introduced me to my OR nurse...Lily. At first I wanted to cry... but then I couldn't help but think about how cool it was. The last time I was in the OR you were with me, and this time (when I was so scared of being alone) there was a Lily with me too.
 I love you little girl...I think of you all the time, and I miss you always.

Love,
 Mommy

soon.

Dear Lilly,
 Your birthday is soon...and with every passing moment, I dread it even more. And on top of all the other feelings that have taken over...I feel guilt. Guilt because we won't be here on your birthday. I won't be able to visit the cemetary on your birthday. Daddy and I thought it would be best if we go out of town.
 We're going to the beach for 5 days. I think it will be good. I hope it will be good. But I still feel guilty. Guilty that I won't be here...that I won't be coming to "see" you.
 Don't think for a second that we won't be thinking about you, sweet girl. Even now, almost a year later... we miss you with ever fiber of our being.
 You were and still are our world. We love you, forever.

Love,
 Mommy & Daddy

miss you.

Dear Lilly,
 I can't help but think that things would be so much easier if you were here.

I miss & love you,
        Mommy

Oct.15

Dear Lilly,
 Today is pregnancy & infant loss awareness day. I hate that you and I (and Daddy) are part of that number. I hate being a member of the babyloss community. And I hate that you are now a 1 in 4 statistic.
 I'm honoring you today. Remembering your short 9 month long life here on earth, in my tummy. I remember you every day girl, but today especially.
 There is so little to hold on to... but I'm holding tight to what I've got left.

I love you...all my heart.

Always,
 Mommy

eleven.

Dear Lillian...
Today marks the eleven month mark. You've been gone for eleven months. As I type these words, it still doesn't feel real.
I miss you with every fiber of my being. I would do anything to have you back in my arms today. Anything.
My love for you grows with every passing moment. As does my pain. I thought it'd get easier, Baby. But it hasn't...and I don't think it will.
You'll always be missed...you'll always be remembered...and you will always always be loved.

Forever,
   Mommy

close.

Dear Lilly,
 Soon it will be 11 months since you've been gone. Your birthday approaches with every passing moment, and it breaks my heart.
 I keep praying that I'll be able to keep it together. That I won't fall apart. But I'm sure that I will. How can I possibly be strong?
 I love you little girl. All my heart.

Forever,
 Mommy

*love you*

Dear Lilly,
 I love you.

Love,
 Mommy

daddy.

Dear Lilly,
 I just wanted to take a second and tell you that Daddy misses you. He's been talking about you a lot lately. You're on our mind all the time little girl...and more importantly, in our hearts.

Love,
 Mommy

i remember.

Dear Lilly Bean...
  It's officially fall. This is normally a time of year that I love. Cool weather. Jeans, sweater & boot weather. Time for a lot of my favorite things...and times. Thanksgiving with family... Christmas with family.
  The only thing that's going to be missing this year is you. Same as last year.
  As the cool weather comes and the holidays approach... I get more and more down in the dumps. I don't look forward to it. Actually, I'm dreading it.
  Along with Autumn comes a lot of feelings that I'd rather keep buried. With September being here... I am remembering the showers that were given to me. With October, I think of having to be put on bed rest. I remember a million card games, tv watching, movies...Taco Bell, Chinese food, diet cherry cokes & good times with Daddy. I also remember laying on the couch for a good 18 hours a day - watching and feeling you wiggle around in my belly. I remember doctors appointments...and wishing with every one that you would come soon.
  And with November...comes the most pain. I remember it like it was yesterday - and it's hard to accept that it was almost a year ago. I remember on November 9th, your due day, I talked to your Aunt Aleisha on the phone for the first time in over a year. I remember taking a picture of my 40 week belly - in front of the door that leads to your room. I remember facebook status posts about how we were 40 weeks, but still no baby.
  On November 12th, I had my last doctors appointment before you were born. Dilated *maybe* two centimeters. Induction was still on for the next day. Dr G would come to the hospital that morning and check me...give me some meds. He'd come back around lunch and break my water. We were so excited.
  And then life as we know it was turned completely upside down. Forever.

 We miss you little girl - more than you could ever know.

I love you,
     Mommy

bean.

Dear Lilly,
 Sometimes it's hard to be kind to people. Especially when it comes to things that involve you.
 I'm choosing to be nice, though. Despite my instinct. I want to scream, I want to cry...over something so small. But something so special to me.
 You will always be MY bean little girl. And no one can take away how special and dear that is to me.

I love you,
 Mommy

in my heart.

Dear Lilly,
 I just wanted to let you know that I miss you more with every passing moment. You'll forever be in my heart.

All my love,
     Mommy

ten months.

Dear Lillian Joy,
  It's been ten months since I heard the words "no hear beat". Ten months since our world came crashing down around us. Ten months since we saw your face for the first time. Ten months since we said "hello" and "goodbye" in the same breath.
 Ten months ago (today) my heart was full of emotion. Hate, anger, confusion, hurt, loss, sad, peace, acceptance and love. Though I was completely and utterly heartbroken, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I knew that even though we were crushed and confused, that God has (and still has) a perfect plan for our lives.
 You were/are a big part of that plan. I know it. How could you not be? You brought Daddy and I closer together than I ever thought possible. You helped heal our broken family. You had a hand in healing broken families.
 I've never known such a little girl have such a HUGE impact on lives all around the world. You truly are an amazing person. I can only hope that one day I will have touched as many lives as you.
 It's official. As of today, you have been gone longer than you were here. I'm having a really hard time accepting and dealing with that.
 People probably think I'm crazy - but sometimes I still feel you. It's weird being ten months post partum, yet still having phantom kicks. Still waking up some days and thinking you're still here with me.
 I long for you. I ache for you. I miss you. But most of all I love you.

Happy ten months in Heaven, Baby Girl.

Mommy and Daddy love you more than anyone could ever imagine...

Love,
 Mommy

one step closer...

Dear Lilly,
 My heart is torn. I miss you more than anything in this world - my arms continually ache for you. If there was something I could do to bring you back here with us, I'd do it. I would give anything.

 I'm having surgery in November. Seven days before your due date - and eleven days before your birthday. I'll still be recovering from it while we "celebrate" your short life, on your birthday.

 It's one step closer to growing our family.

 That hurts too. I feel as if I'm betraying you by trying to have another baby. I know that you'd want it no other way. Daddy and I have wanted to have a family for as long as we've been married. We've both dreamt of children for years.

 We, the three of us, are a family. We'll always be a family - even though we have to love you from a distance. I'm so thankful that I know my baby girl is in Heaven with Jesus.

 I love you little girl. I miss you even more.

Love,
 Mommy

a hard (couple of) week.

Dear Lilly,
 It's been a while. I don't really know what to say anymore. It's been a really rough few weeks, and I'm praying hard that things will begin to look up.
 Mommy might have to have surgery...which is kinda scary. Before you were born, I had never been in a hospital - and never had any type of surgery, well...except for having my wisdom teeth removed. I'm terrified but looking forward to what could be.
 If things go according to plan, and our insurance agrees to cover the surgery, I'll be having it done on November 2nd. That's a little too close for comfort if you ask me. I'll be recovering from a painful surgery during the time I should be celebrating your first birthday. It should be a happy time for me, but instead - it'll be a very emotional one. For me, and for daddy.
 I desperately want to give birth to baby brothers and sisters for you . It's a hard thing to balance. Continuing to honor you as my first born, and trying to make room for other children. :) I know that I can do it. I have no doubt - but it will be an emotional road, I know.
 I keep thinking about what will happen if we *can't* get pregnant again, right now. What do we do?? I think adoption is the answer - but that's an equally scary thing.
 I know that whatever happens in our lives - God is in control, and he has a wonderful plan for us.
 You are missed more than anyone could ever imagine. The pain that I feel is so intense, I would never want anyone to feel it. I hate these feelings, I want you here - but this is the life that I must lead.

I love you Baby Girl...forever.

Love,
 Mommy

blah.

Dear Lilly,
   Last night was a good night. I haven't had one of those in a while. Daddy and me were actually laughing and enjoying one anothers company. I almost feel guilty during times like these. How can I be happy? Laughing? Smiling? All the while your picture is sitting two feet away from me, reminding me of what could have been - every time I look at it.
   I go back to see Dr S on Tuesday. We'll find out if there is hope of a baby brother or sister this month. I'm praying that there will be - even though if I am told there is hope, I'll be scared out of my mind. And I'll feel guilty.
   A lot of emotions bouncing around in there...and I don't know what to do with all of them. I love you little girl. All my heart.

Forever,
   Mommy
  

resting place.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 Today marks nine months since Daddy carried (your body) to your final resting place. I can't even begin to tell you how hard that day was for me... for us.
 It was literally Hell on earth, Lilly. Watching the men take you from their car- watching your daddy struggle as he took your casket into his arms. My heart physically ached as I walked by your Daddy's side as he carried you. I hurt, we hurt - but I was so incredibly proud of your Daddy that day. He was strong for me...for you.
 I still see you clearly. For that I am so very thankful. Thankful that God has allowed my memories of you to remain vivid. He know, Lilly. He knows that I am afraid of not remembering you. I never want to forget anything about you.
 I remember the smell of the chapel that day. It smelled of all the flowers that were sent in your honor. So many people came to honor you that day. People traveled from near and far- they came because they loved us. All three of us.
 I remember walking in the chapel that day. And I remember looking at your tiny,precious, yet lifeless body. I remember thinking (and saying) how beautiful you were/are. You are the most beautiful baby that I've ever seen, Lillian Joy.
 Nine months ago today, I said my final goodbye - until we meet in Heaven.
 With every single breath I take, I miss you. I want you. I love you.
 You are my world, Little Girl. And I don't know how to do this without you.

Loving you longer than forever,
                                    Mommy

mean world.

Dear Lilly Bean,
   It's been a few days since I wrote you last. I feel as if every time I come here to write to you, I am just repeating myself. I love you, I miss you...I want you here with me more than anything in this world. I am grieving, I am hurting...and I don't know what to do with the pain that I feel.
  There are mean people in this world, Lilly. I am thankful that you never had to experience the feeling of being hurt by someone who calls themselves your friend. It's tough. Especially now, with you gone.
  My heart literally aches for you. Sometimes it is unbearable. I can't think, I can't move... I can't breath. I'm so overtaken by grief sometimes. And I feel like no one understands me. Sometimes Daddy doesn't even "get" me.
  I am so sick of hurting, and sick of people looking at me like I'm an alien or something. I'm the same as anyone else, I just might have gone through more heartache than the average person. :( I miss you little girl.

Forever,
 Mommy

i hate 13.

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's been nine months today since I said hello and goodbye to you. I can't believe it. It's been nine months, three quarters of a year. And it still hurts just as much as it did then.
 I find myself wondering, where do I go from here? What should I do. I know that I have to move on with my life...I can't be consumed by grief for the rest of my life. But the fact is, I don't know how I could ever get past this grief.
 The feeling of emptiness is sometimes completely overwhelming. I can't breathe... I can't think... I can't move.
 I can't help but think that the cards I have been dealt are not fair. I should be holding my little girl, I shold be watching you grow...dressing you up, taking you out...enjoying my new role as mommy. In fact, in just three short months I should be planning your birthday party. But instead I am left with the role of "babyloss mama", trying to fit in in this cruel world. I am also stuck as to what I should do for your birthday. I want to celebrate you. After all, you are a gift that God gave to me...even if it was just for a little while.
 Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever begin to express, Little Girl. Our hearts ache with every passing day. We continue to dream about all the "could have been's". But that's all they are...dreams. The kind that won't be coming true.
 I'll miss you forever, Lilly. And I love you with all of my heart...

Always,
    Mommy

scrapbooking

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's me again.Imagine that, right?? I've been thinking of you a lot these last several days. More than usual, actually.
 I think it's because nine months is quickly approaching.That's almost as long as I carried you inside me. I'm just aching on the inside.
 I'm starting a scrapbook today. A scrap book about your life. All about you. I've been meaning to get started on it, but haven't had the energy...or the heart. But I think I'm ready now. I want to honor you in every way possible.
 I love you so much Lilly, and miss you like crazy.

I will love you longer than forever...

~Mommy

flowers

Dear Lilly,
 Daddy and I came to visit you yesterday. It was hard. We went shopping for flowers worthy of being put on your grave...but we could find none.
 So we settled for a semi pretty bunch of yellow and orange flowers. They scream "happy"...even though we are not.
 There are so many little graves around yours. The one nearest to you belonging to a little boy named Mason. :) Daddy says that y'all must be friends in Heaven. He joined you and Jesus in February.
 It breaks my heart all over again every time I visit you there in that cemetery. I hate that word cemetery. I hate headstone, I hate silk flowers...and I especially hate carnations.
 Daddy picked up some pink carnations for you, and I immediately placed them back on the shelf. Carnations remind me of death, and that's something that I'm reminded of enough without having to add to it.
 I just want you to know that we love you Little Girl - and we always will. You're the most beautiful baby I'll ever know.

Until next time....

~Mommy

to my baby girl...

Baby Girl,
 We are quickly approaching the nine month mark. Nine months since I heard the doctors tell me that they couldn't find your heartbeat. Nine months since I held you in my arms. I ache inside.
 I encountered a person today. And though this person didn't attack me, I still hurt. I hurt for the sweet girl they attacked (and her Lily too!). How could someone be so cruel??
 You are my first born, and my only child (thus far). How could I not talk about you?? Though you aren't here with me, I am still proud to be your mommy and to call you my own.
 I love you forever my Lilly Bean. And I am so thankful for the lives that you have touched these last (almost) nine months. You are an amazing little girl... I hope that one day I can touch as many hearts as you.

Love Always,
 Mommy

missing you, baby girl.

Dear Lilly Bean...
 Daddy and I are headed on vacation in a few days. We weren't supposed to go. We weren't supposed to be able to afford vacation, because we were supposed to be taking care of a little bundle of joy. a.k.a - you.
 It's still so hard to accept that you're gone...that you're no longer with us here on earth. It's killing me on the inside.
 I miss you so much little girl... more than any person could ever understand. I think of you constantly. There isn't a day (or hardly an hour) that goes by that you don't pass through my thoughts.
 I thought that I was past the breaking down in public phase. No such luck. I met a beautiful baby girl on Friday. Her name is Lily. Her mommy and daddy prayed for her for a long time, after they lost three of her brothers/sisters before her. When I heard her name, I lost it. I couldn't help but think of you.
 Not in a million years did I ever think that I could love someone (that I never met) as much as I love you, little girl.
 I still remember holding you like it was yesterday. I remember your precious face...with such a peaceful look on it. I remember your soft skin. I remember your smell. I remember your beautiful dark brown hair. I remember how tiny you were. I remember you. I'll never forget you, Lilly. I love you with everything that I am, and I always will.


Loving you until the end of time,
                                                 Mommy

Thinking of you...

Dear Lilly,
 I miss you.

Love,
 Mommy

bad day...

Dear Lilly Bean,
  Everytime I have a bad day and I sit back and think of the reasons behind my bad day...it always comes back to you.
  I miss you so much, and my life will never be complete because you are no longer in it. You were my world for nine (almost ten) long months.
  It's hard to know how to go on without you. I don't know how to function...I don't know how to breath. I had to start taking medication because my heart can't handle my pain anymore. :(
  Lilly, don't forget me... I'll be there soon baby girl. Know that Mommy and Daddy love you with all of our hearts. You'll always be my first...you'll always be my baby...you'll always be in my heart.

Love,
 Mommy

*eight months*

Dear Lilly,
 Yesterday was 8 months exactly since Daddy and I had to say goodbye to you. My heart aches for you. I hope you know that I always have and always will love you. More than life itself...until my last breath. I can't wait to see you one day precious baby girl...

Love,
 Mommy

*Nine Months Later*

*Nine Months Later*

Our dreams for you began in March of that year.

Dreams of who you would be.

Thoughts of beginning our parenting career,

Who would you look like - Daddy or me?

The months passed by quick,

And we learned we were having a baby girl!

We fell more in love with you with every little kick,

As we filled the nights with talk of pink ribbons and curls.

Daddy painted your room "Lilly Bean" green,

And Mommy added the finishing touches.

With everything ready we became excited about a baby coming on the scene.

Nine months later, one cool November day,

It was time to meet you, to see your sweet face.

Before time came to see you - you had already slipped away.

We still ache for your, Sweet Lilly - but we rest in knowing you're in a better place.

So rest in the arms of Jesus in Heaven my child...

Until Mommy and Daddy can meet you there.

the first of many...

Dear Lilly Bean...
  Eight months is approaching quickly, and my heart hurts more and more as it gets closer. I miss you so much little girl. I ache for you.
   I feel like I got the short end of the stick when it comes to life, but then on the other hand I feel like the luckiest mommy alive. Short end because you're not here with me..and I'm reminded every day of that. Lucky, because I have the perfect daughter. :) And most beautiful in my mind.
   I want to scream and ask WHY. Why aren't you here with me? It's not fair. I needed you here, I wanted you here. But God had other plans for you, and for me and Daddy.
   He misses you to, ya know. It's hard for him to express his feelings like Mommy does. But he aches just as much as I do.
   Most people don't recognize the daddies...but he's hurting and missing you right along with me.
   I can't help but sit and wonder what you would have been. Who you would have been. I know that you would have been great at whatever you did in life. And I would have always supported you.
   I had a dream about you the other night. It was so real, so vivid. I ached, yet I was happy... because for the time I was dreaming, I was holding you again. Even typing those words now brings tears to my eyes. The dream was horrible. It was November 13th all over again.
  The dream still haunts me...it got into my head...it was bad. I saw your eyes. They were bright blue. I knew it was a dream then, because you were destined to have chocolate brown eyes like your mommy and daddy.
   I miss you Lilly Bean. So much...forever. I'll never stop loving you...

Love,
 Mommy